Fire and Rain

Death has been a theme in my life this year. My father passed away a couple of months ago. One of my best friends from high school died recently; and yesterday I found out an old family friend passed away. That James Taylor song "Fire and Rain" keeps running through my mind, the line "I always thought that I'd see you again" seems prophetic to me now.

Of course I am grieving for my father. I haven't been able to get him off of my mind since he died. He is here with me every day. But I am not having happy memories yet. I am seeing him as he was at the end, sick and in pain. I see his body after he died. I'm not comforted yet by seeing him as he was in life, but I know this will come in time. I wake up some days and then I remember that he is gone and it's a terrible shock all over again. I am now a member of a club that I don't want to belong to: the society of kids who have lost a parent.

My high school friend's death hit me hard. It was a shock so soon after losing my father and I felt as if I had been punched in the stomach. She was a good, good pal all through high school. It's not natural to lose a friend who is your own age. We never dreamed this scenario when we were sixteen. She had a hard life and hard death. Wish I had known; I would've been there for her.

I understand that death is an inevitability now. Before this year, death was abstract and far away. Now death is a companion for the time being. I'm not afraid to die. My father wasn't either and he handled his death as he handled his life, with integrity and honesty and idealism. He showed me how to do it. What I fear now is wasting the time I have left. I want to tell everyone that I love how much I love them all the time now. I want to make amends. I want to see every last friend I've ever had, more than once. I want to reconnect, because tomorrow may be too late.

I'm learning to take a deep breath and express what I truly feel. I'm not going to hold back anymore. I want the people in my life to really know what they mean to me. If I get hurt, so be it. I can't imagine it hurting any more than losing someone who you always thought that you would see again and never will.