Broken Hearts

This lyric by Alanis Morrisette has been stuck in my head for a couple of days:

I recommend getting your heart trampled on to anyone
I recommend walking around naked in your living room
Swallow it down (what a jagged little pill)
It feels so good (swimming in your stomach)
Wait until the dust settles

Then she sings of living and learning. It's a redemption song, a phoenix rising from the ashes. So much of life, at least mine, is like this hilly road. The lessons that we learn from pain and struggle, the joy we feel when the pain and struggle turns into understanding. If we are paying attention, life has so much to teach us.

I get into trouble in two ways. The first is when I am in pain about something and try to ignore it, stuff it, or find some addiction to cover it up. The other is when I fail to see the signs that the pain is coming and coming fast. I try not to ignore my intuition, but there have been times when the red flags were waving and jumping and screaming at me and I simply waved back and turned around and continued on my merry way. I can't say which way is better: taking the risk, even knowing it's not going to turn out well, or listening first and dodging the bullet.

I have made some huge mistakes in my life. I don't think many of us get to these forty years who haven't made some whoppers. My judgment of other people these days is gentler. I know that we are all doing what we can to get through this life, living it the best we know how. I don't know how my life experiences stack up against others, and it doesn't matter. I've had heartache, heartbreak, loss; I've been victimized and abused. I've also broken hearts, and been unkind, and lied. I have become a full-grown woman and I am no longer a victim or a survivor. I'm just a human, marching along, day by day, getting through life and trying to cause as little damage as possible.

I am more than the things that have happened to me. Each time I face a struggle now, I live and I learn. I have learned a lot. When pain comes, I know it won't kill me. I know eventually it lessens and there is opportunity for growth and understanding. A friend of mine shared this quote with me, "At the end of every happy story is a sad ending." When I first read that I thought the words were so depressing. But it stayed in my mind, and I began to see that it's true. Even the most charmed life will come to an end. We're all heading there whether we like it or not. This is just the way of life; loss is inevitable. I'm not saying I like it, I'm just saying it's no use hemming and hawing over it, there's not a damn thing any of us can change about that.

I will remain open to the joy and wonder of the good times. I will accept the bad times. I will try to do both of these with as much integrity and honesty as I can. That's what I've learned so far. Doesn't it seem so simple? You have no idea how much shit I went through to learn that lesson!
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2/12/10 by S.D.S
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