I'm kind of Jewish

I would defy anyone to come up with a longer list of stereotypes for any group than the one for Jews. I'm not just talking about the negative ones. We've all heard those and I'm not going to waste any one's time going over them again. I'm thinking about the little ones.

I can speak with authority because I'm Jewish. Sort of. I didn't know I was Jewish until I was a teenager. I knew some of the people in my family were Jewish, but I didn't know that this pertained to me, too. I had no religious education and we didn't really follow any of the traditions. Yes, there was a Seder here and there and a Menorah once, but this didn't make me feel Jewish.

I think my mom finally explained to me that in Judaism, if your mother is Jewish then you are Jewish. That's why I can be a citizen of Israel if I want. That's a comforting thought. That was not sarcasm by the way, I really do find that comforting. I started to identify myself as a Jew, trying it on like a sweater. It fit. Not my favorite, but cozy when I needed it.

Then I married a Jew. He's not sort of Jewish, he's all the way Jewish. I have been living as a Jewish woman for long enough now to be an unofficial expert on Jewish stereotypes.

Here are a few little ones:

Jews are difficult in restaurants. There will always have to be things on the side, and extra condiments, and special requests. In my experience, this is absolutely true. I myself have witnessed this. I like things on the side.

Jewish women do not mow the lawn. True. I've never seen my mom mow the lawn. I only did it once and only half of it. My cousin told me excitedly that she mowed her front lawn the other day. She's 40; it was the first time. She wore her diamond earrings and necklace while she mowed. "Are you going to do the back?" I asked. She said "No way, Jewish women don't mow lawns."

Jewish people don't drink much. Okay, this one just makes me laugh.

Jewish women like iced coffee. Okay, I'll admit that I hadn't heard this one before. While traveling with one of my non-Jewish girlfriends, we stopped at a rest area and I ordered iced coffee. I really do love iced coffee. My girlfriend said, "Of course you love iced coffee; you're Jewish." Huh? So my girlfriend asked the girl serving us if she had noticed that. The girl said yes. Jewish girls order a lot of iced coffee. I have taken an informal poll and I'm going to have to say that yes, most of the Jewish women in my life love iced coffee. See.

Jewish mothers are a pain in the ass. Well, I know I am.

Jewish people eat bagels and lox and stuff. Yes, that stuff is delicious. Matzoh ball soup is really good, too.

Jewish people are funny. Yes, we are all really funny. It's a riot . . . being Jewish.