Sometimes a trip is just a trip, no big deal. Sometimes, though, a trip is a journey. That's why traveling is such a good metaphor for life. I've always associated life with going on a journey. A journey has a beginning, a middle, and an end. So does life.
During difficult times I associate my emotional state with being on a journey. It's a good way to keep in mind that all things have the inevitable end and that nothing lasts forever . . . even bad times. I often talk about things that I am "going through." The key word there is "through". I understand that it will someday end and I will be okay. See? I'm an optimist.
My trip back east was a decision making time for me. I have been questioning everything and wondering which direction to go. Standing at the crossroads peering as far as I could down each road hoping for a glimpse of something shiny up ahead. Looking for signs to point the way. What do I want to do? What do I want to accomplish? What is important to me? How can I make my life be the way I want it to be? Why am I here? These are the questions that I have been asking myself and finding the answers elusive. There are no road signs to fulfillment. If it was that easy we would all be fulfilled now, wouldn't we?
So my trip back east was supposed to answer these questions, and honestly, it did answer one of them. The answer is, I don't know . . . and now is not the right time to force it. What became abundantly clear is that I am still grieving and reeling from my father's death and can't make a good decision at this time. Grieving is a process, and I'm not done. While my dad's passing brought many of these questions to mind, it also has made the answers cloudy with sadness and regret. One journey has to end before I can begin a new one.
Losing a beloved person is hard. The pain cannot be avoided and nothing makes it feel better. That's the truth. It's a pain that has to be felt and looked at and gone through. No way around it.
I'm still sitting at the crossroads, only now I'm going to wait for a while until I choose my path. I have a feeling it will be an obvious choice eventually. I went on a journey and ended up right back where I started. The best thing about traveling is coming home.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Sojourner
Posted by S.D.S at 2:54 PM
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6 comments:
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I agree; a journey is not an analogy for life, LIFE IS A JOURNEY. There is no way around it. The only difference is that we do not know our destination. We have no idea where a left turn will take us. The only things that we can be sure of are that during this journey we cannot stop (we must always move forward) and that one day it will end.
I try to embrace the journey, it’s not always a smooth road, but every emotion is like another turn towards my final destination. I try to live my life with respect and gratitude. I am grateful for my experiences, both good and bad; I would not change one of them. They define me I am and I like who I am.
Amazing how the grieving process can almost alter the landscape through which we journey. A lush green hillside under the setting sun can look just a bit sinister when the moon's shadow crosses during an eclipse; in just that way, it seems to me, the shadow of grief can make every part of everyday life look just a little bit grayer. Especially the death of a parent.
I'm reminded that Hospice groups often offer a 'grief support' group -- usually a few people in the first 3-12 months after the loss of a spouse or parent, gathering to share what it's like and support one another for a few weekly meetings, with a facilitator who knows the ropes.
Incidentally, my eldest is suddenly just a few months behind you on that journey -- his dad died last week.
Love and hugs
Maggie, so sorry to hear about your loss. Be Well.
Love to you and yours.
Thanks, Dear One. And likewise
--M, just seeing this message now (sigh)
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